Sometimes I wonder, do I even make my parents proud? I think back to when I got my GCSE results, I got 6 As, 7 Bs and 1 C, the best out of anyone in my family. My dad didn't even say well done. He's not one to express how he feels so I just assumed he was proud of me and not saying anything - that was until he turned around and said I didn't try hard enough and could have done better. Now that I think back, yeah I could have done better, but I did work relatively hard to get those grades. But who is he to say that, he wouldn't know how much effort I'd put in because I don't live with him. From that day on I always said I was doing things for me, no one else...
Well today's the day I've asked myself, do I make me proud? No. Short but complicated answer. I promised myself at the start of A-levels I'd work really hard. I didn't for AS until it was really late on and then I realised I needed to up my game to get good enough grades for A2. I ended up with 1 A and 2 Cs. Not bad for someone who had 70% attendance, 50% for one subject. But yeah, start of A2 I decided that would all change. It has, but not enough. I got an A for IT so thought I wouldn't need to try as hard. I was wrong. I have to hand my coursework (40% of A2 marks) tomorrow and I'll be lucky to get half marks. I should still be able to get a B from the exam, but an A is gonna be way harder now.
Aside from my studies, am I who I want to be? Slightly. I am a nice person and I do make an effort with everyone. I'm one of those people who'll talk to anyone, I don't pass judgement easily and don't think I'm better than anyone unless they give me a reason to think that. You know when someone looks at you and you just know they think they're miles better than you for no reason? yeah, that's not me. So in that respect I do make myself proud, I've turned out a decent person. Where do I not make myself proud? I hear you ask. Well I guess I wish I was happy with what I have. I'm not at all. I know I'm not the ugliest of people, but I'm far from happy with my looks. When I see someone who is stunning on the inside, but in image look like they've been dragged along attached to the back end of a lorry it makes me think. I should be happy with me. Another thing I clearly have a problem with these days is being a social person. I used to be so confident and didn't mind when others passed judgement. Now I'm not in the slightest bit confident around those I don't know well and can't stand the thought of being judged wrongly.
Anyway, I guess I'm just learning at the moment. Learning from my mistakes, learning from things that have happened. I hope that come September, I'll have at least 3 Bs at A-level and be living in London for university. I also hope that I get the slightly care free confident me back; I figured forcing myself completely out of my comfort zone and moving away from home (totally on my own) would help me regain what I'm gradually loosing. Anyway, that's all for today. Gonna start updating my blog much more over the next few weeks and months.
Bye for now...
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