You've come a long way...

A lot has happened since I last blogged, probably too much to write about but we'll see how far I get. Now that college is in the past and I’m starting the next chapter of my life I want to reflect on everything that’s changed. That's the main reason I write these blogs, to reflect.

So A-levels finally came to an end! Through all the doubting myself and loosing motivation every step of the way I never thought I’d see the day that I’d make it to the finish line. I’m probably the worst person for loosing motivation but at the same time I never give up. For what I lack in motivation I make up for in determination. I proved to myself that if I’m willing to work I can achieve anything.

Looking back I realise that I made the right choice choosing a sixth form college over a sixth form school. I’ve learned that I have to do work and put effort in for myself, not because I’m being spoon-fed and forced into it. I know I would’ve got better grades if I went to a sixth form school but by going to college I gained my independence.

A few months on from finishing college and so much has changed. I had to make the impossible decision of deciding if I wanted to move away for uni or not. In the end, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t in the right ‘place’ at the time and had too much to leave behind here in my hometown. I bottled out a week before results day and withdrew my application to Westminster. Instead I now go to Sunderland uni, which, to my surprise, is actually really good. I knew it was held ‘in high regard’ for media related courses but the lecturers actually do know what they’re talking about. I know that if I work hard I will end up with a career in journalism. But that’s the problem; will I work hard enough?

Starting university has also meant college friendships have drifted apart. Being someone that really cares for people, I’ve found this really hard. We’re still good friends but it’s always difficult to stay in touch as much as we’d like to when our lives are all heading in different directions.

Not only has uni brought about changes in friendship groups but I’ve noticed even I’ve been changing. I was reading my school reports the other day and they all had one thing in common, they said I was a confident and bubbly (no, not in a fat way) person with a lot of commitment. When I think back to a few months ago, I was none of that. I was the kid in the shadows who didn't really want to be seen. I can't blame anyone in particular, it was probably more just because I internalised everything. I kept everything to myself. I bottled things up. I was frightened people would judge me negatively based on my family, my upbringing, my looks, my character. The list goes on. I guess I was just learning to forget about all my insecurities and just get on with things. Looking back on that now and I’ve changed a lot. I’m getting back to the me I see myself as, which I love. I'm more content than I’ve been in a long time.

So besides uni, I finally got a job! I now work at Nando’s in the Metro Centre. I actually really like it there. It’s helping me get back to being me. There’s a fair few people there who I think are great, they’re lovely and I can’t wait to see how things work out and if any of them become good friends.

I’m going to leave this post there for now but I will be posting another blog sometime soon to talk about all the things that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet (the drawings are clues).

Bye for now...

Do I make you proud?

Sometimes I wonder, do I even make my parents proud? I think back to when I got my GCSE results, I got 6 As, 7 Bs and 1 C, the best out of anyone in my family. My dad didn't even say well done. He's not one to express how he feels so I just assumed he was proud of me and not saying anything - that was until he turned around and said I didn't try hard enough and could have done better. Now that I think back, yeah I could have done better, but I did work relatively hard to get those grades. But who is he to say that, he wouldn't know how much effort I'd put in because I don't live with him. From that day on I always said I was doing things for me, no one else...

Well today's the day I've asked myself, do I make me proud? No. Short but complicated answer. I promised myself at the start of A-levels I'd work really hard. I didn't for AS until it was really late on and then I realised I needed to up my game to get good enough grades for A2. I ended up with 1 A and 2 Cs. Not bad for someone who had 70% attendance, 50% for one subject. But yeah, start of A2 I decided that would all change. It has, but not enough. I got an A for IT so thought I wouldn't need to try as hard. I was wrong. I have to hand my coursework (40% of A2 marks) tomorrow and I'll be lucky to get half marks. I should still be able to get a B from the exam, but an A is gonna be way harder now.

Aside from my studies, am I who I want to be? Slightly. I am a nice person and I do make an effort with everyone. I'm one of those people who'll talk to anyone, I don't pass judgement easily and don't think I'm better than anyone unless they give me a reason to think that. You know when someone looks at you and you just know they think they're miles better than you for no reason? yeah, that's not me. So in that respect I do make myself proud, I've turned out a decent person. Where do I not make myself proud? I hear you ask. Well I guess I wish I was happy with what I have. I'm not at all. I know I'm not the ugliest of people, but I'm far from happy with my looks. When I see someone who is stunning on the inside, but in image look like they've been dragged along attached to the back end of a lorry it makes me think. I should be happy with me. Another thing I clearly have a problem with these days is being a social person. I used to be so confident and didn't mind when others passed judgement. Now I'm not in the slightest bit confident around those I don't know well and can't stand the thought of being judged wrongly.

Anyway, I guess I'm just learning at the moment. Learning from my mistakes, learning from things that have happened. I hope that come September, I'll have at least 3 Bs at A-level and be living in London for university. I also hope that I get the slightly care free confident me back; I figured forcing myself completely out of my comfort zone and moving away from home (totally on my own) would help me regain what I'm gradually loosing. Anyway, that's all for today. Gonna start updating my blog much more over the next few weeks and months.

Bye for now...

WORK OVERLOAD

Is it just me or do A-levels take you soul? I have no motivation anymore. It’s the most frustrating thing because I really want to do well and go to Westminster uni but I can’t seem to focus. I’ve decided that tomorrow I’m going to work literally all day to get a load of my coursework out the way. I need to do well. I might stop using twitter or facebook as much until exams are over.

How quick is everything changing? It seemed like yesterday I was starting AS and now A2 is practically over! I can’t wait until I know what’s happening with my life. I don’t like having to wait until mid August to find out if I’ve got the grades I need for Westminster. Even once I’ve found out, if I’m in it means I have two weeks to finalise everything and move from Newcastle to the big capital. God knows how I’m going to cope living without all the amazing friends and my family I have, but it’s something I really want to do nonetheless.

So tomorrow, I plan to:

Work on my IT project and almost finish it;

Do an essay plan for English Language task 1;

Make more progress on English Language task 2.

Anyway that’s all I’m writing for now. I’m going to start writing proper blogs regularly once my work load lightens.

A year in the life

2010 has been the most influential year of my life so far. It's seen the downfall of my first long term relationship, coming out to my family, accepting myself for who I am, the loss of friends, the break up of my mam and her horrible boyfriend, a new born nephew, the acceptance of my background, turning 18, failing A-levels and then it's seen me turn a lot of things around. The run up to my birthday on December 6th was probably the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, yet there was no reason for it, nothing had changed.


One things that stands out majorly for me was the sudden fluctuation in my nana's health. She's the kindest person I've ever met and I like to think it is her that has influenced my character, making me who I am today. She's one of those bubbly amazing people that you just can't fault in anyway. If I turn out to be as half a decent person as she is I will be happy. Fortunately she's back to good health and I just hope that continues for many years to come. She's my idol.


2010 has also helped me realise the importance of family and I just hope we, as a family, stay strong and get through the tough times and are there together to celebrate the good ones.


2011 will without a doubt bring the biggest of changes in my life so far. I'm starting this year leaving my one and a half year relationship behind. I need to adjust myself back to single life and learn from any mistakes that were made when I was with my boyfriend. This means making sure I stay as an individual even if I do meet someone else - people have a tendency to merge into one when they're in a relationship and this is often ultimately their downfall. I think staying as individuals and sharing times together is a good foundation to a successful relationship.


This new year is going to bring an end to my A-levels...this isn't going to be easy. I know I need to work extremely hard to get to where I want to be but I'm more than willing to do it. It will also bring the end to seeing some amazing people everyday at college which I know I'm going to find hard. One thing I can say for certain is I know I've gained at least one true friend at college that is on a par with my best friends that i've known my full life. I hope that I stay in touch with the people that matter.


I also start (hopefully) university this year. I still haven't decided on if I'm living at home or moving away but either way it's going to bring big changes. Leaving my mam behind to live on her own for the first time in her life is one of the main reasons I want to stay at home and the fact of how expensive it'll be to live away. Only time will tell...


My new years resolutions are: work harder but play harder too, improve my confidence, be more outgoing and make sure I'm doing things that make me happy.


P.S I hope YOU have the type of year that you want to have. Stay strong!

The Lady Boys of Bangkok

From students to pensioners to the most manly of men, The Lady Boys of Bangkok have something for everyone. 

Originating from Bangkok, the show is currently touring the UK with their latest trademark show Fantasy and Feathers. The spellbound cabaret show is performed by 16 of the most beautiful show-girls Bangkok has to offer, who all happen to be men. From their painstakingly-applied immaculate make-up to their stunning costumes, it is hard to accept that there is not a woman in sight. Whatever your gender and orientation you may find yourself a little, well, confused.

The Lady Boys of Bangkok is staged in the unique ambiance of the Sabai Pavilion, far from the everyday humdrum world. You easily become immersed into the fantasy atmosphere. The show is two hours of terrific entertainment and comedy – it's a unique night out and a perfect way of reintroducing cabaret to a 21st century audience which, mostly, has not seen cabaret before.

The comedy cabaret, burlesque, variety show combines Bangkok's nightlife with the show-girl glamour of Las Vegas. Once you get over the initial curiosity towards the show you will begin to realise that you're at one of the best shows in town. This clap along drag show is a must see.

The troupe of glamorous boys-as-girls mime to pop songs while performing energetic dance routines with not a centimetre of cellulite insight! They perform a sexy space-themed number (featuring the front of house dwarf as E.T), sensuous Latin rhythms and classical pop hits by Tina Turner, Madonna and Lady Gaga. There's even a side-splitting Bangkok’s Got Talent section of the show that sees Jedward take to the stage to Ghostbusters with a routine that leaves the surrounding audience wet and, rather cruelly, has Susan Boyle hustled off in a straight jacket.

The girls continue to showcase their dancing abilities to songs such as Cheryl Cole’s Fight For This Love and Up by The Saturdays. The male dancers (yes, not all of the cast are dressed up as women) also went on to perform to hits such as YMCA which really brought one of the biggest responses from the packed tent.

A trademark of the show is the traditional element of audience participation. As always, this year is no different. The 'women' descended into the auditorium to find an unsuspecting male...or three. It’s all done in a good-humoured style and the guys seemed to really enjoy their moment in the limelight.

It's also worth mentioning that it's not only the performers that make this a great night out, the front of house staff also add to the exceptional standard of the evening. In fact, one of the male ushers does a sexy shirtless number which sees his dreamy body emerge from a bath of water and ends with him twirling above the crowd on ribbons for an aerial act – he certainly got the crowd wet!

4/5
For tour details see ladyboysofbangkok.co.uk